


Are You There Narcissa? It's Me, Severus.

by adavison



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Movie AU, Nymphadora Tonks as Andrew Paxton, Severus Snape as Margaret Tate, Severus and Narcissa are Best Friends, Texting, The Proposal - Freeform, Voice Mail Messages, romcom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:49:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27871826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adavison/pseuds/adavison
Summary: A shameless The Proposal AU as told through Severus Snape's messages to his best friend, Narcissa Malfoy.
Relationships: Severus Snape & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Severus Snape/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13
Collections: Pen15 is Mightier Prompt Exchange 2020





	Are You There Narcissa? It's Me, Severus.

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Pen15isMightierPromptExchange2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Pen15isMightierPromptExchange2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> These characters above are just suggestions for who would play the role of the Sandra Bullock/boss character. Just suggestions. Have fun with this just stick to the general idea of the film! 💛
> 
> ***
> 
> Hi, love! So, this kind of went off the rails, but knowing you, I think you might enjoy it.
> 
> A big thank you to [Ms_SackvilleWest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ms_SackvilleWest/profile) for the quick beta and help capturing Severus' voice.
> 
> Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR and associated publishers. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended. The comments and opinions expressed by the original creator do not reflect the views of the author of this transformative work.

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 9:42 pm:**

Narcissa, delete this after you listen to it. I know that you normally do, but really, this time. Make sure you delete it. As my oldest friend, I’m trusting you to keep what I’m about to say in confidence.

I seem to have found myself in a bit of a predicament. [heavy sigh]

My work visa is no longer valid and they’re--Immigration is trying to deport me. I’d have to go back to Canada for… god, I don’t even know how long. My work is here. My life is here. I’ve been in New York for almost two decades. I left the arctic wasteland of the north for a reason, Cissa. I’ve no desire to once again reside amongst those hosers. I can’t go back. I won’t… I’ve come up with a way to stay in the country, but it may be… less than legal.

I’m going to marry my assistant. Quick Green Card marriage, nothing too crazy… I know, it may not appear to be the most astute decision, but all signs point to a positive outcome. Yes, if they found out I could be banned from the country. And yes, she could face jail time and a huge fine, but it’s not like we’d get caught. We’ll just say that we’ve secretly been dating for ages. I mean, I’m sure that I know enough about the girl to answer all the screening questions Immigration will be asking. After three years of being my assistant, I’m sure she knows enough about me. Annoying as she is, she isn’t a complete idiot. 

It’ll be fine. I can just have her put together a memo outlining her personal information so I can review it. 

I was forced to make a few concessions so she would agree. It shouldn’t be too horrible. I’ll have to give her up as my assistant and make her an editor. Insufferable little thing that she is, I’m loath to have to train a new assistant. Her new position will of course come with a considerable pay raise. She drove a hard bargain. Oh, and to make it more convincing we’d have to live together for the length of the marriage, but my apartment--which I’m sure will be a large step up from whatever shoebox she’s been living in—has a second bedroom. We can just tell immigration that she snores or something. 

It’s fine. It’ll be perfectly fine.

* * *

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 2:12 pm**

Narcissa… We just met with immigration. They were concerned because her family doesn’t know about us. So, I will be traveling to Alaska with her at the end of the week to meet them. 

This is not what I signed up for. We were going to live wholly separate lives just under the same roof and joined together on paper. But now her family is involved. [groans] I don’t know anything about these people and I’m expected to pull one over on them too? It was one thing when it was just an idiot from the Immigration office and now… Who in their right mind  _ chooses _ to live in Alaska, anyway? It’s dark there for three months out of the year. You have to fly in a god damned puddle jumper to even get to where her family lives. 

This is insane. I bet they don’t even have indoor plumbing. I’ve told you about my assistant before, right? Dora is an odd one. She has pink hair for god’s sake. Oh, she wears a wig in the office so she’s within the dress code, but I’ve seen the pink. Last month she had it blue for a few weeks. Honestly, that sort of thing belongs at one of those young start-ups, not a respected publishing firm. 

Anyway, I don’t know what the cell service is like up there so I may not be able to get your messages. We should be back by next Monday. If you don’t hear from me by then assume I’ve been eaten by whatever large carnivorous animal lives in the depths of the dark bleak hellscape that is Alaska.

* * *

_ NM: Severus, I know you’re probably on the plane by now, but I was just wondering… You said that your assistant’s name is Dora and that her family lives in Alaska. What’s her full name? _

SS: Nymphadora Tonks. Why?

_ NM: … _

_ Do you remember me telling you about my sister? _

SS: Bella the bitch?

_ NM: No, the other one. _

SS: Vaguely. 

We’re about to take off. They’re making me turn off my phone. I’ll message you when I can.

* * *

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 01:20 am:**

Dora is your niece?! Why didn’t you tell me that the weird side of your family was related to my assistant? No, no. That’s beside the point. 

What is wrong with these people? No one is this unguarded and polite without an ulterior motive. I think your sister, Andromeda, is suspicious. She’s pulled Dora aside several times and I think they’ve been arguing. But her father and cousin and uncle… I don’t understand what’s going on. And their dog--Alphards little yappy beast! He hates me. Maybe I should try to feed it to one of the large birds I’ve seen around the property.

They’ve roomed Dora and I together and Uncle Alphard insisted that we take the family quilt and indicated that it supposedly promoted… fertility. Ugh. He’s an odd one--lots of talk about spirits and other idiotic superstitions. I can see why you don’t really associate with them. I just need to make it through the weekend. In the future, I’ll just have to make sure that I’m traveling for business whenever her family wants to visit.

[Heavy sigh] I hear someone moving around the hallway. I’ll send you another message when I can. 

* * *

SS: If you have ANY influence over your family I am begging you to intervene. 

_ NM: What’s happening? _

SS: They’ve somehow arranged it so Dora and I will get married here. THIS WEEKEND!

_ NM: Might as well get it over with. _

SS: True, but that’s not the worst part. Ted, Sirius, and Alphard have insisted on having a bachelor party for me.

Tonight.

This town has a population of 800. And we’re “going out.” What do these American dunderheads have planned? They better not be planning a hunting expedition in the wilderness.

_ NM: Probably not. Hunting is usually something you do in the morning. _

SS: How do you know that?

_ NM: Lucius has hunted before. _

SS: Quail hunting with European Royals doesn’t count.

It looks like we’re going to a bar. This shouldn’t be too bad. A little rustic, most likely a wine list that is solely made up of Red Wine and White Wine. 

OH GOD, IT DOUBLES AS A BURLESQUE CLUB

_ NM: Please tell me you have photos. _

SS: SEND HELP!

_ NM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _

SS: I hate you.

_ NM: No you don’t. _

_ What happened? _

SS: And give you material for my future humiliation? No.

_ NM: Severus. What happened? _

SS: As it is a small town… there was only one performer.

This performer happens to be old enough to be my mother…

_ NM: NO! _

SS: I’m on my fourth scotch. Do you think another would make this old biddy more attractive?

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 10:42 PM:**

[Muffled music and a voice over a P.A. system] I hear that we have a bachelor in the house tonight! [cheering]

[Severu’s voice muttered in a low undertone] Oh fuck, no.

[Woman over the P.A. system] Severus, come on up to the front! I’ve got a little wedding present for you! [cheering]

[Muffled sounds of jostling and cheering followed by Relax (Don’t Do It) by Frankie Goes to Hollywood before message cuts off] 

_ NM: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I may reconnect with my sister and her family just so I can get pictures of this. _

SS: Don’t you dare!

_ NM: ::eyebrow raised emoji:: _

SS: I really do hate you.

* * *

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 04:20 pm:**

Um… It’s… It’s been a weird day. I don’t have time to go into everything now, but… the short version is that I had a moment. [heavy sigh] They were all being so kind. Not because they wanted anything. They just… are kind people. And it was too much. 

I left. I took the boat and just left. No idea where I was going, just away. And… um… Dora followed me. She got on the boat with me and we um… we talked. I told her everything. About my parents, me… all of it. 

Her family is so kind and accepting, and they’ve been treating me like one of their own… What’s going to happen when they find out this was all fake? And Dora… Dora is insistent that they won’t find out and says that she’s still willing to go through with it all. She handled my… moment quite well, actually. She even pulled me from the water when I fell in. And no, I’m not getting into how that happened. 

But… she pulled me out of the water without a second thought for her own safety. She made sure I was warm, didn’t die of hypothermia, or get eaten by whatever monstrous creature lives in those waters. She… fuck, Cissa, I’ve never felt so calm and at ease with anyone before. Not even you and Lucius. How is it that my annoying assistant has turned into someone I actually like being around? 

I just… I don’t know. The wedding is tomorrow morning. I better go.

* * *

SS: I called it off. Going back to New York to pack what I need then going back to Canada. Can you send me some names of reliable movers? I’m going to need to hire someone to pack up and ship everything to… wherever I’ll be living.

* * *

_ Missed call from Narcissa. _

_ Missed call from Narcissa. _

_ Missed call from Narcissa. _

* * *

**Voicemail from Severus Snape 7:54 pm:**

Narcissa… um… God, so much has happened. Where do I even begin? [Long Pause] Dora and I are getting married. For real this time. I was packing up my office and she rushed in, pink hair an absolute mess. Completely startled the other employees. 

She um… god… she had this whole speech about how we connected over the last few days and that she fell in love with me… Cissa, I don’t think I’ve ever let myself feel that. Love. I never thought that someone… anyone would love me. And looking back, I think I started opening myself up to it the day I fell into the water and she saved me. My walls were down and she just bulldozed her way right into my heart and hasn’t left since. 

I’m so used to being on my own. I’m comfortable on my own. It’s safer. Easier. But with her… I think that it’s worth the risk. [laughs] She proposed to me. In front of the whole office. She asked me to marry her so that she could date me. It’s absolutely ridiculous, but… it doesn't feel wrong. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

We just got out of the immigration office. We had to start the process all over again and they’re making doubly sure we aren’t trying to commit fraud. They’ve been asking these insane questions that I don’t think have any relevance… but if it means that I can marry her… [contented sigh] Anyway, I have to go. My fiancée awaits.


End file.
